Photo courtesy of Hayley Catherine on Unsplash.
gentle reminder:
you don’t always have to hold it together or get it right.
– alex elle (@alex_elle)
standing in your power also looks like giving yourself the space to fall apart.
I’ve tried to write this blog post a couple times now. Every time I struggle with writer’s block, I put my laptop away and try again a couple days or weeks later.
This post was supposed to be something completely different; it was supposed to be a reflection on my art showcase with RAW: natural born artists, as a follow-up to my Exhibiting RAW Emotions post in July. That day was probably one of the best days of my life so far. Immediately after the event, I knew I wanted to write about it. “Not yet,” I told myself. I didn’t want to share the moment yet. I wanted to ride the high before I put it in words and shared it with the world. I wanted to keep that experience just for me, at least for a little bit.
I waited a little too long. The beaming glow that I wore on my face for the first two weeks after the event turned into a heart-warming smile and a beautiful memory. It became harder and harder to channel those emotions. It wasn’t impossible, but every time I tried, I struggled. “It’s been over a month since your showcase, Katie. Is it even relevant anymore?” I asked myself. I was aware of the pressure that I was putting on myself, and I didn’t like it.
Since I started writing in 2015, something I always told myself is to never force content. I want my work to be genuine and emotional. I want to move my readers and inspire them. I didn’t want to force myself to post things that I wasn’t 110% confident in. If I don’t enjoy what I’m writing, you guys probably won’t enjoy reading it either.
So I put my writing aside. “I’ll write about it when I’m ready,” I thought. Days became weeks, and weeks became months. I missed creating.
I realized that stepping away from my work when I knew I needed a break was the right choice for me. How self-aware! … That’s it! That’s what I should write about! I grabbed my laptop, opened up Her Glassroom, and started typing. Two paragraphs later, I had no idea what I was talking about. What’s wrong with me? Why can’t I figure this out?
Know when to take a step back.
Up until yesterday, I still didn’t think I was ready to come back. As I scroll through Her Glassroom, I notice all the times that I’ve let myself take a break. That time last autumn… earlier this year in the springtime. Every time I took time off, I came back stronger. After all, I do know myself best.
This past week has been incredibly tough. I recently lost my grandma, and what hurts most is that I wasn’t able to be there in her final moments. My heart weighs heavy, and my mind is all over the place.
I spent last night reflecting on who I am, where I’ve been, and where I’m going. I thought about my academics, career path, family and friends. But most of all, I thought about my mental health, and how much I’ve grown in recent years. “This time last year, I felt much worse. Thankfully, I’m much happier now” is a recurring thought, year after year. As I sit in silence and reminisce on the past, I think to myself, “if every year is getting better, then it’s only up from here.” One day it’s not just going to be “I’m feeling so much better than I was last year,” but instead, “I’m even happier this year.”
I learn more about myself everyday. As I grow older, I am reminded to take care of myself, and that not everything is in my control. I think it’s important to remember that:
- You are always growing, you are always learning, and it’s okay to take things one step at a time.
- You can’t control somebody else’s actions, but you can control how you react.
- Remember to put yourself first, and that it’s okay to not be okay.
Remember that you can take things slow, and that you should live life at your own pace. Only you know what’s best for you. I urge you to throw yourself into something you love, or take some time off from something if you need to. Learn about and be aware of your best and worst traits, your passions and goals, and work from there. It starts with you.
“I’m gonna be okay,” I tell myself.
I’m gonna make you proud, grandma.
Her Glassroom 